I am way too selfish. Nearly every thought I have centers around me. Only with a fair amount of effort can I logically think through what others would want and then act accordingly. I don’t like this. Right now, it just caught myself again: my first thought as to why I don’t like this was, “it makes me feel self-conscious and like a lesser human being,” but the non-selfish response should’ve been, “I’m not able to do enough for others because I only think of my own interests.” Both are true statements, but one shows better character than the other.

I love talking about myself and the things I like, and will never pass up a chance to flaunt some new or obscure knowledge I have. I worry that can be isolating, like, “ooh look at mr. smarty-pants over there flexing again.” Am I over-thinking it? Should I watch myself more? Maybe to both. I care too much about how I come across, because again, I’m selfish.

I won’t pretend like being aware of my own faults is making me a better person. Even correcting for my mistakes isn’t enough. But I’m scared. Because I don’t know how to change. My hesitation around strangers, my habit of blurting facts, my selfishness, all seem ingrained. And I don’t know who to talk to, because all the people I trust the most I want to think highly of me so they trust me back. So I probably won’t reveal my deepest insecurities, because I’m selfish. Which isn’t ok. So I’m typing them here, for potentially everyone to see. Which is ok. Maybe I’ll change eventually and come back and wonder what I was so worried about. I don’t know. It’s too late for this and my plan of just writing out thoughts has worked because I have these thoughts every night but don’t share them. Anyways gn.